Photographer: James Thompson – Creative Commons License
During the settlement of the old west in the United States,when the pioneers were under attack they “circled the wagons”.
This incredibly visual term refers to the act of taking up a defensive posture along with like minded individuals against an external force of some kind. The wagons were pulled into a circle : the strength of the combined group becomes greater than the sum of its parts.
Listen To Parents of Older Children
I was having a conversation with a friend of mine – one of those moms that I have a lot of respect for. I would categorize her children as “nice kids”. Not in an Eddie Haskel way (blech) – in a sincerely, genuinely “nice kid” way. They do well in school, behave well, and are respectful to adults. Win-win-win.
So I was a bit surprised when she shared a story about her daughter’s experience at “band camp”. For all those “American Pie” fans – go ahead and get it out of your system. If you haven’t seen American Pie, don’t – you might never let your daughter near a flute again….
This woman has a lovely 8th grade daughter who attended a band camp with middle schoolers and high schoolers (who came up with that brilliant mix?). Apparently, the kids sat in a circle one night and compared notes on their vast collective sexual, alcohol, and drug experience. (By the way a significant amount of alcohol is being supplied by parents.)
To the child’s credit – she came home more than a bit horrified to share the experience with her mom – who in turn, tried desperately to NOT vomit on her shoes. I tried not to vomit on my own shoes as I heard the retelling of the story.
Your Friends Don’t Parent the Same Way that You Do – Now What?
As your children go through the elementary school years and are on the cusp on tween-age and teenage years you may find that the families who were part of your social circle may need to change.Generally, we accept the social circles we find ourselves in by default: the soccer families, the gymnastic families, the neighborhood families, or the country club families. Since those are the people you’re around – those are the families you end up spending time with. The adults hang together, and so do the kids.
This may be a BIG mistake, at least as the kids get older. The parenting-style chasm begins when the kids ask for and are granted more and more independence.
Nightmarish examples for kids 11-14 yrs old:
- You’re sitting at a post soccer game dinner – the kids want to sit together but the only place large enough for all of them is in the restaurant bar. OK, maybe not so much of a big deal. But when you get up to check on the kids, you find that two of the televisions in the bar are set to completely inappropriate programming (insert whatever you feel is inappropriate here). None of the other parents seem to notice or care. Do you pull your child out of the bar and make him sit with you?
- At an overnight tournament, all of the parents are sitting around on the hotel deck…younger children are playing tag close enough to the parents to be seen. Older children want to take an unsupervised stroll down the street to the neighborhood Circle K. All of the parents shrug their shoulders and say “yeah, whatever – just take your phone – here’s some money”. Do you pull your child out of the group and make him stay at the hotel with you?
- The “cool kids” – a group your daughter desperately wants to be a part of – are hosting a post-9th grade dance party at one of their homes beginning at midnight. “All the other kids are going” – and it’s true, they are ALL going. Once again you’re in the minority. What do you do?
Liquid Stress
The older my children get, the more I realize that as a community of parents, it’s time to “circle the wagons”. Make a mental note of the parents who parent their children in a similar way. Make a concerted effort to get to know these individuals and rearrange your adult relationships in a way that helps (rather than hinders) your own parenting style.
The results will be interesting. The parents you’ve become friends with over the years may need to be dropped, and parents who were never on your radar before may become your greatest allies.
Ladies Night
You don’t have to drop all of your friends – you can still go out for cocktails whenever you want. But it doesn’t mean your children need to be BFFs.
Now Its Your Turn
Have you had an experience where you’ve needed to make some tough decisions on your own relationships or those of your children?
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- Stop Telling Your Kid She’s Special All the Time– You May Screw Her Up Permanently
- Seven Commandments for School Volunteers – Thou Shalt NOT Be a Pain in the Noodle
Yes! As my children are getting older I’m beginning to notice a difference in parenting styles. I’m afraid of the tween/teens years because my usual response of “Just because they are doing it doesn’t mean that we are too – we are different” might not fly.
I agree. It gets tougher. I’ve told my two that any sentence that starts with “everyone else is….” will automatically be denied on principle. It’s really really hard, but I think it’s an enormous gift which they will only appreciate much later in life and after a significant investment in therapy.
unfortunately, i see this becoming an issue well before little girl is old enough for the (eek!) scenarios you mentioned. [and for the record, i'm pretty sure that in each case- yes. i'll be the "bad mom" and keep a closer eye on what's going on].
she’s 3 and already, i see this coming down the road. my BFF parents her child (also 3) extremely differently. which isn’t a problem just yet. but the discipline & lack thereof has already been noticed by my littlegirl. i can see how in a few more get-togethers with them (long distance rel’shp) things can shift & it won’t be as pleasant to all be together. THAT will be a hard discussion.
Especially in a long distance relationship when you see your friend’s children in bursts. Its a great lesson for “you are the unfortunate exception” or as we say “oh well you smell”!!!!
By high school kids tend to have found “their group” I am proud of my child and the group she is with. This was a difficult process since her former best friend was a neighbor and the child of my good friends. However, that child is very judgmental and a bully who creates drama everywhere in attempts to “fit in.” During the middle school years I kept encouraging my child be honest and a true friend and the situation will work itself out. After years of having her “friend” spread rumors about my child etc. people are finally seeing this child for who she is. My child is still polite but doesn’t socialize with this child voluntarily.
No matter how close you may be with the parents it’s my experience that kids can totally keep their parents in the dark and you end up looking like the bad guy for bringing it up.
It truly is a complement when people you don’t really know approach you and tell you how much they like your child. That is the true measurement that your teachings have sunk in.
Remember, teens need to hear your advise more than ever. It’s hard because those words of wisdom and parental constraints are often met with attitude and apparent rejection. Your hard work is mostly visible years down the line.
Be consistent with your rules. At some level kids are thankful to avoid “the everyone is going” by saying my parents won’t let me. Take the fall for being the bad guy it pays off in the end.
Look at some of the things that have happened around Chagrin, the fight after school where 30 kids were involved. The sexual encounter in the Gazebo where another huge group of kids participated and watched. If your kid can’t find their voice to say STOP this is wrong then help them to find the strength to leave. They are just as guilty by association.
People need to wake up and PARENT!
Thank you so much for your fantastic feedback.
I agree completely that just having a personal relationship with another child’s parent doesn’t guarantee a safety net. But I do believe that it can mitigate some of the behavior that might otherwise occur in the dark.
As parents we need to: say it, repeat it, then repeat it again.
Thanks again – very much appreciated!!