Photo by: Chris Willis
In a recent post I list one of two basic goals of parenting as: preparing your children for the day they leave.
That’s both the biggest relief and the biggest heartbreak about parenting; they don’t leave all at once – it happens in increments, if you allow it.
There’s the point really: we have to allow our children to separate from us slowly by learning to speak and advocate for themselves starting at the youngest ages.
When you take your 3 year old to the pediatrician let your child explain how she feels. She’ll leave stuff out of the explanation and that’s OK – you can fill in the gaps.
Children advocating for themselves at school
Nowhere is this skill more important than at school. Encourage your preschoolers to stand up for themselves with classmates and negotiate their own solutions. When a child comes to you crying with a playground issue it’s OK to say “What do YOU think should happen?” “How would YOU solve this problem?” or my favorite “I know you can work it out yourself”.
Encourage younger children to advocate for themselves within the classroom as well. Even a first or second grader can ask to be bumped up a reading level. When your children bring home classroom concerns or issues – consider letting them handle it on their own. Obviously there will be occasions, especially at the younger ages, where you will need to intervene. But even complex “adult” issues like bullying should engage the child as much as possible.
It might be time to back off by 7th or 8th grade
By the time your children hit middle school – your children should be the only ones interfacing with their teachers and guidance counselors. Is there a question about scheduling? Resist the temptation to pick up the phone or draft an email. Your 7th or 8th grader should be sending the email; at this age, they need to begin to hone the skills of
- determining WHO the right person is to solve a problem
- figuring out HOW to plead their case
- following up to make sure the issue is RESOLVED
Bottom line: We do our children a grave disservice if we make ourselves available at every turn to pave the way with the outside world. Next time someone asks your child a question bite your tongue and let him answer.
Come to think of it, biting your tongue in general is a pretty awesome life skill. Maybe I’ll start practicing – but not today.
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I struggle with this a lot! My very verbal 3yo is also quite timid. I’m not sure why she is as sensitive as she is.
When someone talks to her or asks her a question, I do wait until the silence (& hiding) are a little too long, and then I speak for her. I don’t want to, but I also find it rude to not be acknowledged. I tell her as much after the person leaves.
She doesn’t have any siblings, but I do believe in the idea of “work it out for yourself.”
I really hope I’m balancing.
Just the fact that you’re aware of trying to balance says that you’re ahead of the rest of the pack.
My cousin’s daughter was a timid little thing but she was expected to say “please” and “thank you” to strangers/family members. That was the mom’s one line in the sand – the minimum communication she would accept.
Maybe something to try – if your daughter does well with whatever basic you require (saying hello and goodbye – or whatever), then just work up from there. The trick is you have to be consistent 100% of the time. These little monsters can smell blood in the water!
I currently do not have children, but I have been around other people alot who do and it frustrates me to no end with they do everything for their child. They will grow up codependent and expecting everything to be handed to them on a silver platter.
My mother taught my brother and myself when we would get into fights very much like this. She would take each of us aside separately and really just ask us what we should have done. Not taking sides, and both were in the wrong really. How could WE have done differently? It ended up that my brother and I worked out our own problems. We are friends, and were when we were younger. Not the typical kids.
I plan to teach my kids the same way.