Photo by: Dion Hinchcliffe
Dear Principal Smith;
There are just a few things that I feel you should know about my son, Tommy Jacobson. I’ve listed these as a bulleted list. This should make it easier for you to check each one off as you complete them!
- Tommy is the first born in our home. So he has been given lots of personal attention and encouragement. He’ll need a teacher that smiles brightly as she exclaims “Great Job Tommy, you’re the best!”. Feel free to use the words: fantastic, fabulous, and amazing. The inflection is probably more important than the actual words.
- Tommy doesn’t like to say any word containing an “S”. We tried speech therapy, but Tommy got so frustrated in the speech therapist’s office, that he set her hamster on fire. (That won’t be a problem – Tommy has promised to stay away from matches.) It would be helpful to place him with classmates without S’s in their names, just to reduce excessive frustration.
- Discipline makes Tommy sad. We would prefer that you disregard any standard discipline process that you already employ. We’ve found that a 20 minute cuddle and a treat usually make the tantrums go away. He’ll need a teacher that’s a good snuggler.
- When Tommy was a baby he would calm his tantrums by rubbing on the satin tag on his blanket. As he got older he began taking the underwear out my drawer to rub the satin tags on those. He obviously can’t bring women’s underwear to school, that would be silly. So, I’ve made him a necklace of Victoria’s Secret tags that he wears on the inside of his shirt. If you see him reaching into his shirt at a stressful moment, just give him a minute alone and he’ll be fine.
- My husband and I are opposed to Tommy receiving a report card or having him graded or judged on any level. We believe that children ought to be told that they are the best! It would be helpful if Tommy’s teacher could make two versions of his report card – one with all the highest level marks to show to Tommy, and one for us. We already know that Tommy is profoundly gifted – grades are unnecessary.
- Tommy has an aversion to peanut butter – not a medical allergy; he just thinks it’s yucky. I would hate to single him out and have him sit at the peanut free table – someone might think that there’s something wrong with him. Couldn’t you just ban peanut butter in general?
- Because of my personal schedule, Tommy needs to arrive at school at exactly 6:35am each day. I’ll just park in the bus lane so you can come out and get him a little easier.
- We like to stay spontaneous and don’t always know each morning how Tommy will be coming home. Could you ask one of your office staff to please call me at around 1:30pm and find out whether or not Tommy is taking the bus home?
- Just one last thing if it’s not too much trouble – we would prefer a Romanian teacher who speaks Latvian with a Polish accent. We’re trying to get back to our roots. Oh and she should be really, really nice.
Thank you so much! Tommy is such a good boy – so much better than his 4 year old quintuplet brothers (you’ll meet them next year), and his two year old sister. I look forward to spending the next seven years with my children at Johnson Elementary!
Signed,
Tommy Jacobson’s Mother
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lol. Seeing that makes me feel better about the letters we write. At least we’re just basically saying that my daughter does best with a teacher who remains organized through out the year.
Hey Cuz! Organized?? That’s small potatoes my friend. She should be asking for her pizza to be cut into equilateral triangles. LOL
Hilarious!
Funny story – we were visiting my brother-in-law and his family over the summer. My boys were going off the diving board at the club and my sister-in-law kept saying, “Great job guys!” My nephews (both in college) would respond, “Mom, don’t say they’re great. How will they learn?” Then they would yell out to my boys, “OK you’re getting there. What about trying…”
My sister-in-law explained that kids my nephews’ age feel their parents told them they were too fabulous too often for silly little things when they were younger and they all developed over-inflated egos because they never truly earned the praise. They had to learn the hard way that they are not amazingly brilliant and talented (what’s funny is my younger nephew is the smartest kid I’ve ever met and an incredible musician). They don’t want that to happen to my boys. Pretty funny.
Once I stopped laughing (and nodding my head “yes”), I promised to NEVER be this parent. That is not to say that we should not advocate for our children appropriately and respectfully, but this type of situation is clearly over the top (and let’s just be honest, this is not an unheard of kind of letter). God bless the teachers and building principal who have to deal with this type of parent. Next thing you know, she’ll be calling the school board…..(but that’s a topic for another blog….)
Why Brenda Wells Thompson – look at you! I’m so glad that you got a chuckle out of it…
Perhaps the dark comedy in all of this is that it is NOT unheard of for teachers and administrators to get these types of letters and requests. You know how at the elementary school cars are NOT allowed to drop of kids in the bus lane? Makes sense.. bus lane = buses. Bus lane does NOT equal self indulged jerks who think they own the world. Anyhow, when my oldest was at the school I would drive through the *proper* drop off lane, roll down my window and shout at the top of my lungs “YOU ARE NOT THE EXCEPTION TO THE RULE” – hoping the morons in the bus lane would hear me. I embarrass my children daily.
So funny and true. I taught for 14 years and if those walls could talk… I’ll think I’ll follow you!
Thanks so much for the feedback! Welcome to the crazy train
For a minute there, I thought I was reading The Onion…..