Dear Principal Smith;
There are just a few things that I feel you should know about my son, Tommy Jacobson. I’ve listed these as a bulleted list. This should make it easier for you to check each one off as you complete them!
- Tommy is the first born in our home. So he has been given lots of personal attention and encouragement. He’ll need a teacher that smiles brightly as she exclaims “Great Job Tommy, you’re the best!”. Feel free to use the words: fantastic, fabulous, and amazing. The inflection is probably more important than the actual words.
- Tommy doesn’t like to say any word containing an “S”. We tried speech therapy, but Tommy got so frustrated in the speech therapist’s office, that he set her hamster on fire. (That won’t be a problem – Tommy has promised to stay away from matches.) It would be helpful to place him with classmates without S’s in their names, just to reduce excessive frustration.
- Discipline makes Tommy sad. We would prefer that you disregard any standard discipline process that you already employ. We’ve found that a 20 minute cuddle and a treat usually make the tantrums go away. He’ll need a teacher that’s a good snuggler.
- When Tommy was a baby he would calm his tantrums by rubbing on the satin tag on his blanket. As he got older he began taking the underwear out my drawer to rub the satin tags on those. He obviously can’t bring women’s underwear to school, that would be silly. So, I’ve made him a necklace of Victoria’s Secret tags that he wears on the inside of his shirt. If you see him reaching into his shirt at a stressful moment, just give him a minute alone and he’ll be fine.
- My husband and I are opposed to Tommy receiving a report card or having him graded or judged on any level. We believe that children ought to be told that they are the best! It would be helpful if Tommy’s teacher could make two versions of his report card – one with all the highest level marks to show to Tommy, and one for us. We already know that Tommy is profoundly gifted – grades are unnecessary.
- Tommy has an aversion to peanut butter – not a medical allergy; he just thinks it’s yucky. I would hate to single him out and have him sit at the peanut free table – someone might think that there’s something wrong with him. Couldn’t you just ban peanut butter in general?
- Because of my personal schedule, Tommy needs to arrive at school at exactly 6:35am each day. I’ll just park in the bus lane so you can come out and get him a little easier.
- We like to stay spontaneous and don’t always know each morning how Tommy will be coming home. Could you ask one of your office staff to please call me at around 1:30pm and find out whether or not Tommy is taking the bus home?
- Just one last thing if it’s not too much trouble – we would prefer a Romanian teacher who speaks Latvian with a Polish accent. We’re trying to get back to our roots. Oh and she should be really, really nice.
Thank you so much! Tommy is such a good boy – so much better than his 4 year old quintuplet brothers (you’ll meet them next year), and his two year old sister. I look forward to spending the next seven years with my children at Johnson Elementary!
Tommy Jacobson’s Mother
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